The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.