Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

God has left this place

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.