the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
You Might Also Like
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
You’re the water to my grease fire.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice