Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

🏙👨🏼