The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.