the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”