the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently