The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.