Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

2023 was just a warmup

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.