Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.