The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Velcrow
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking