Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit