The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?