Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close