The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
men are simple creatures
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.