The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Ha
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”