Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

This is hilarious

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.