Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

technically true but not a great slogan

😼🖥️

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.