the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
🤣could you imagine
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
