the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Is your wife single?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
