the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Monday
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
