the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
congratulations to them
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda