The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

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surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?


am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.


Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell


Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.


*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*


In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’


Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”