@FreudsTwin

The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

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@ClichedOut

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

@FunnyMojoJojo

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

@ibid78

You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.

@NewDadNotes

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@brynnester

I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end

@TheOneTrueDisco

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@Offensivehere

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.