The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.


I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.


And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.


when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.


I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.


If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.


INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.


90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.