THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don鈥檛 have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I鈥檓 supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you鈥檙e sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn鈥檛 matter if it鈥檚 an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn鈥檛 matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I鈥檝e had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how鈥檚 your quarantine going?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
If empaths don鈥檛 exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you鈥檙e frustrated with me and you think I鈥檓 stupid
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.