The future is now.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.