The future is now.
You Might Also Like
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Me trying to look natural in photos
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Go girl power!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.