“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
You Might Also Like
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!