The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You Might Also Like
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Not today
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods