The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
