The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
grandparents are too precious for this world
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”