The game has officially changed 😎
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On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.