The game has officially changed 😎
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.