Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Not my job 😂

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?