Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”