The game has officially changed 馃槑
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
It鈥檚 amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I鈥檓 really doing is swatting away flies.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If we run out of candy, I鈥檓 passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don鈥檛 worry, they鈥檙e mild or I would鈥檝e eaten them by now.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
neighborhood watch
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Don鈥檛 date a Canadian woman unless you鈥檙e willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
A lot of people still don鈥檛 seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it鈥檚 had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i鈥檒l let you go if you just please stop talking
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”