The game has officially changed 😎
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Rich people don’t understand cereal
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total