The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Real House Wines.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The legends speak of a third Duran…