The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes