The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!