The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Is….Is this an option?
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”