the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
house sitting!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”