the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
rip to my favourite tweet
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.