the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Yes my dude
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
This is always good for a laugh.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.