Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Are you ok, human???

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.