The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.