The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You Might Also Like
Comparing yourself to others
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over