The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
me to God
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank