Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

I’d hang this in my house.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Had an epiphany today.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.