Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

So sorry

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.