Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Finally! 😈

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

…

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.