Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Finally, an instrument I can play!

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.