The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!