Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?