Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.