[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
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Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho