Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

🙅🏻

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Love is in the air fryer.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.