Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Britain be like

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

A bold strategy

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Ooops wrong house😂😜