Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

congratulations to them

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review