The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I can’t wait!
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.