The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship