The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies