Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me