The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Like sleeping!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Voting is the worst group project
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.