@KKAlThani

The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.

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@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

@mom_ontherocks

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

@partlyfunny

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@LLCoolJeffrey

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play