Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Simple

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all