Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Good morning

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

I’M CRYINGGG

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch