Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Don’t we all.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Blew out my flip flop…

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.