Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

there’s probably a fee though

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

this is me