Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE