Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Me as a therapist: omg same

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me: