The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
New nose
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
dude it’s called proctologist
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m not alone. I have ants.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.