The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
This is sending me to another galaxy
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH