The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?