Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Scream sneezers need love too.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.